you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I need to stop coming to work sober
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
