It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRING THE BAGELS
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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