my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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