I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
