Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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