I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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