i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize