if you like me you must not know who I am
Four minutes until I can fart!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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