If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
