This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
