I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
