Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
