I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
