Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So squirting runs in the family.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
