Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
