Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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