i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
