two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
