This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
