so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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