i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Randomize
