Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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