I'm pants shitting drunk right now
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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