just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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