Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
