I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Randomize
