I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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