i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
