Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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