i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after