On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Oh, makes sense.