I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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