Betty ford says i'm here all night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
