apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
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That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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