I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
he shaved USA in his pubs
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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