I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
