Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize