Three words: puerto rican gang bang
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
