Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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