Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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