TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
