I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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