if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
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We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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