seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
