Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So many bounce houses so little time
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
