i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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