I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
it's like heaven, but drunker
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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