a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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