You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
