I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
