Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?