I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
