I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so let's talk penis.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
