I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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