I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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