for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
