When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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