Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
